Horizon

Just testing out my Flickr blog link.

I should be getting my new phone either today or tomorrow.  I don't switch cell phones often...I hate spending money or extending contracts unless I either really need to, or I can't pass up a deal.  And 'free' is the best deal out there!  Fortunately, I am pretty happy with AT&T, so I don't mind extending the contract.  

Anywho....after two years with my Sony Ericsson W810i, I'm switching to the LG Vu.  

It's a sweet little number...similar to the iPhone, but with MobilTV, which is great for us political news junkies!  I'll miss my Sony, though.  That little phone was so reliable, versatile and just plain awesome.  

Here's to new technology!

P.S. DON'T FORGET TO VOTE NOVEMBER 4!!!!   

Giving your pup a much-needed bath.  :)

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Kiss my ass....

Seriously.  I mean that.  People all around me.  The only one that doesn't have to is my dog, Zoey.  She's essentially a canine version of me....eager to please everyone...and very emotional when she doesn't succeed at it.  I wish I could take a dog into a bar...I'd buy her a drink or two.

What's my quandary?  It's a tough one, to say the least.

Let me preface it by setting the scene, so to speak.  I have low-grade cervical dysplasia, which at the moment, can go either way...stay low-grade and just give me enough stress and worry as to remind me it's there...or into full-blown cervical cancer.  Joy.  On top of this...I have Crohn's Disease, which is currently in a flare for which I am on two different meds for (steroids and immunosupressants).  Double Joy.  

So I called my GI doc today to inform him of the shenanigans going on in my hoo-hoo...just to kind of be reassured that the freakin' immunos I'm on won't make matters worse.  Unfortunately, for all the money I pay him to take care of my ass, he can say no such thing.  Basically what he said was that, if the immunos do their job for the Crohn's, they in a sense put my body at risk for everything else.  Supress the immune system.  They cannot say definitively, but the immunos could very well keep my body from fighting the dysplasia...and that they very well could make it worse.  Or they very well couldn't.  Nobody does tests on folks with abnormal cells, giving them stuff to see if it can be made worse...that just wouldn't be kosher.  So...there's no way to be sure.  It's a gamble....like everything else in life, I guess.  And my track record with gambling is notoriously shitty.  

Do I continue the immunos (which is the only family of meds, so far, that keeps me in long-term remission with crohn's) and risk the dysplasia worsening and turning into a higher stage cervical cancer?  Or do I just go off them, build my immune system back up to fight it, and most likely go into bad crohn's flares again?  

I'll take door number 3, please.

"One less life" is the slogan for some group educating about cervical cancer.  "One less life", meaning one less life affected by cervical cancer...one less life taken by cervical cancer...one less life impacted by a loved one dealing with cervical cancer....etc.  I think they were trying to convince women/girls to get some vaccine that can guard against a virus that can cause cervical cancer.

So many pap smears, blood tests, and colposcopies later...a fear that I never even imagined would be an issue in my life has sat its big, ugly, mean old ass down at my table.  Just sitting there...staring at me...watching me with its beady little eyes as I move through life...just waiting to snuff me out at any moment.  But I have my eye on the bastard..and I'm steeling myself up for the time when I will need to take more drastic measures to fight him.  It hasn't really hit me yet, I think.  Too many other things going on in my life that are taking the majority of my energy and sanity.  I thought about it for a moment last night while I was trying to fall asleep...but just a moment, then it was gone.  I'm thinking of it now, obviously, since I'm writing this entry.  It feels like maybe if I think about it...I have to write it down...get rid of it...so I can go on to thinking of other things...and getting through other trials...and thinking on times past, when things were so much lighter and easier; and wishing on times ahead that will hopefully be similar. 

Vigilance and faith...those are the words for the day.  Not faith in religion, because anyone that knows me knows that I don't believe in things like that...but faith in my own self....and faith that I can and will overcome yet another blow to my health and well-being...and vigilance.  

But, hey, it's almost Christmas...and despite everything going on, I always look forward to the holidays.  

Here's to many more....

 Alex has been spending long evenings "working on the haunted house" as he says.  For weeks.  

It finally opened last week, he said.  I didn't really think anything of it, at first.  Then I decided I wanted to go and see what they did.  I figured...how elaborate could it be?  It's a bunch of 14 and 15 year olds that made it in their friend's outdoor garage.

Another lesson I learned...never underestimate the ability of your children to surprise you.  After a few minutes of driving around the neighborhood looking for it, we were stopped at a stop sign by a teen coming up to the car window...in an almost hush-hush-this-could-be-a-drug-deal way.  He leaned over and said quietly, "Do you want to go to a haunted house that benefits the Make-A-Wish Foundation?"  "Yeah!" I said, "We're actually looking for it!"  So he pointed the way and we parked in a side lot by the house.  As we got out of the car, the boy called down the street to his friends to "Get in your places!!  Someone's coming!!"  As we walked down the driveway, the kids scattered into their respective nooks and crannies in the mazes.  I must say...I was very surprised at the professionalism of it all.  The mazes were built the same way the expensive haunted houses are done...lots of wood partitions, curtains, fog machines, sound effects, strobe lighting...and a bunch of teen boys having the times of their lives.  We got to the scene that Alex was acting in...and when he realized that it was us, he sort of forgot his lines and what he was supposed to do.  So he just laughed a bit and chased us out of the room to the next scene....which was a long pathway that exited the haunted house...while a maniac is chasing you, unseen, with a chainsaw.  I was actually a little scared at that point...so I guess they did a pretty good job.

The funniest thing was...after we came out of the mazes, Alex and his friends stepped out of character and joined us in the driveway.  His one friend said he didn't realize that I was Alex's mom until later...because during our walkthrough, he called to other kids to "get into place...we got some old people coming through".  As weird as that sounded...I loved it.  

And I was so proud of Alex and his friends and the great job they did putting it together.  They're donating the proceeds to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, too.  

Sometimes your kids just surprise you and make you rethink old assumptions that you had.  I really needed that.

It's a rainy, dreary Friday afternoon today...and I'm exhausted and ready to sleep 24 hours straight.

It's been a stressful week to say the least...had my colonoscopy this week.  At least the news was that I don't have to have surgery any time soon for this relapse.  :)  More meds...but I can deal with that over surgery anyday.

But the depression is getting worse, I think.  Many factors coming together in my life at once making it hard for me to want to get up in the morning.  I have to find myself again...the real me.  The me that I recognize when I look in the mirror.  The me that I'm familiar with...happy with...proud of.  The butterfly who isn't afraid of new life...isn't afraid of the unknown...is ready to take on any challenge with an open heart and an open mind.  She'll appear again soon...I can feel her stirring impatiently...trying to wrest her gossamer wings from the tight cocoon she's wrapped in.  

Ok...that's enough cheesy metaphors for one Friday.  I'm starting to make myself gag here.... heh heh.

 I'm sitting here at work, occassionally checking my Blackberry for updates on goings-on over at one of the other buildings I admin for...my shoes are off...my feet are up on the chair...it's Friday.  I just wish it was a Friday without Crohn's.

The goblin has reared it's ugly head again and is pummeling me into submission.  It's been almost 5 years since my surgery...a very healthy and feel-good five years in terms of general wellness.  But, unfortunately, with Crohn's, you have no crystal ball to look into to get an idea of when it'll show up again.  All you have to look forward to are the days you spend in remission...relatively free of discomfort and pain.  

At least I got on top of this one early enough...but I still may need another surgery...depending on what they see during my test coming up in a few weeks.  The CAT scan showed a narrowing near the original surgery site.  However, its indeterminate if its caused by inflammation or scarring.  If its inflammation, they'll just have to get more agressive with the meds.  If its scarring...I'll be under the knife once again for a strictureplasty this time.  :(  

In the meantime...I'm relegated to a very soft, almost liquid, diet.  Plus...I'm on the steroids once again.  My hateful, mean little friends.  The trade off from debilitating pain to agonizing side-effects is such a slap in the face to those of us who have to suffer through this ailment.  The almost panicky nervousness...increased blood pressure...eye pressure...severe mood swings...muscle pain...joint pain...sadness...moon face...insomnia...sometimes its really hard to decide to have to start them up...but...its a necessary evil, I guess.  Just something you learn to deal with...and breathe through as best you can.  

But, here I am, on a beautiful Friday...still breathing.

Hmm...so this is "Flock".  It's actually very cool, and it's a lot of fun going through everything and seeing what you can do with it. 

Anyway...TGIF!!

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